Catie: My Self Image & Becoming Me

These inspiring and powerful words are written by Catie, a fighter for inclusivity, a proud trans femme, and a Velvet Vixen.

Thank you Catie. You are incredible.

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Every now and then, an Instagram trend comes round, urging you to share a photo from ten years ago, and comparing it to how you look now. I struggle with this, because I took very few selfies a decade ago. I never felt I was worthy of having my image recorded for posterity. Don’t get me wrong, I never felt ugly, but I just never felt the need to document how I looked at the time, because I was just, well, me.

During the Covid pandemic something within me came to the fore. I had been cross dressing since I was about 15, but this was always a private thing, and I usually indulged myself on my day off in the week, when my wife was at work and the children were at school. During this time, I could dress how I wanted, and yes, I did take photos of myself, because I felt I was seeing myself properly, not the male mask that I was forced to wear in, day out. Those photos were hidden away, never to be seen by anyone.

When lockdown hit, I realised that I no longer had that private outlet, and I did feel myself fading away. I made a decision that I had to stop hiding who I really was and I came out publicly as gender fluid. This wasn’t an easy process, the ripples are still moving outwards, but I have never regretted it and never looked back. 

In 2022 I was also diagnosed with lymphoma, and underwent six months of chemotherapy. This made me realise that we only have one life, it goes by so quickly and there’s no point in sitting on the sidelines, hiding in the shadows. 

I now see myself as trans femme, and I nearly always wear feminine clothing, makeup and jewellery. I now see the body that I ignored, shunned, and dismissed as a man, in a new light. My pudginess became voluptuousness, my curves became desirable. I no longer wanted to hide in baggy t-shirts and jeans, but embraced tight clothing that showed off that body. I realised my legs, which I’d previously dismissed as “short, fat and hairy”, were actually quite shapely, especially in high heels, and with all the walking I had started doing!

My phone is now chock-full of selfies - selfies to document my makeup, my clothing, my shoes; selfies to document me and celebrate me. And it’s not just my phone - my Instagram feed is filled with photos of my face, my outfits and my boots, there for all the world to see.

I love me. I love how I look (most of the time) and I love the clothes I wear and the person I am. This is the reason I wanted to put myself in the hands of someone else to document who I am. I wanted to celebrate myself and to show other people who I really am. By throwing yourself into something as affirming as a photoshoot, you are allowing yourself to shine, you are allowing the world to see you as you see yourself. There is a liberation in being yourself, in truly seeing yourself. You learn to love yourself, and all your self-perceived faults. 

I am Catie.

I am fabulous.

I am fun.

I am fearless!